The pursuit of happiness is a chase for a lifetime..

wo kisse, wo zikr

2011-10-28T04:45:00.000-07:00

Nayaab si wo ankhen … wo kisse, wo zikr …

Wo sham ko phoolon ke kinare chalna .. halki si sardi mein tabiyat ki fikr ..

Wo baatein adhoori , wo kal ka intzaar … Wo keh kar na aana, aur kal ka intzaar …

Darmiyan kuch to reh gaya hai adhoora sa …

Meri duniya mein chup tasveeron ki tarah …

Photo shot at ~ Taj Mahal, Agra

Where morning means...

2011-08-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

Photo Title ~ Where morning means...

Photo shot at ~ Delhi -Uttaranchal Highway

A season’s wait…

2011-08-02T03:09:00.000-07:00

Neither the roof nor the garden, no window pane, has changed

Through the avenue I slide down the memory lane…

Since then,

A little less, a little more, what else

The mud in the garden has come inside.

I see dust on the mirror

I see nothing on the walls

But, I hope my autumn is just around.

The blue at the dusk, has no grey in it

But, it will soon rain

And I breeze along.

Picture by me ~ Shot at Neemrana fort

Hug me, Mom !

2011-05-08T02:42:00.000-07:00

‘twas a safe world, inside you, Mom…The world’s so scary, Mom…I need you to be there. Hand hold me till I am here…

I like you talking about those li’l nothings that you see around
And I also like the way you worry for me, still…
You know I am big now, but you still can’t help…I know

Tell me, that you’ll remain and wrap me when the world’s just not it…
In your lap my sleep’s perfect and I need you to make my mornings bright…
Just before I am sucked back to the life’s ruckus…Will you shoulder rest me tight?

So be it

2011-03-10T03:14:00.001-08:00

The words in my echo fall … why I search madly in the ocean, in the air, in the void of the sound?
I carry my whole world along…but here’s a dream wandering around…
I’ll never disclose…how close it rose…to the sky and beyond the moon…
The sun’s my friend and the pastures my bed…we chat by the passing noon…
It pinks and blues; why my skin’s losing shades…I loved the dusky mist

Please give me a falling star…now my wish‘s falling out of my fist…

Soulmates

2010-12-02T01:10:00.000-08:00

Connections are not coincidences, especially when they are between the souls. Know, or not, believe, or not…Where the lives are unfolding, you might not know. But, emotions are eternal and so are connections. You get it all; there is a power which brings it all to you, right in front. You don’t recognize them. Destiny is so rude.

You move on; but connections are not coincidences. You will get them back, again. When just the thought of someone brings glory and utmost bliss to you and, life seems to smile back. When you think of him looking at you in your eyes, saying all what you wanted to hear; life seems to have been rewarded. We should understand the actuality.

We may be living separate lives and carrying on all responsibilities; we might still have our soul mate somewhere. Destiny creates drama when it wants you to know that he is the one, else you may lead an ignorant life until death.
Know it when you close your eyes now; whose memory relaxes your soul. Who would you want to meet again, no matter, whenever that happens? Who would you omit all rules for?

If I know of love, I know of how you did…
I believe; it was an extra ordinary emotion.
When destiny is not rude; we’ll see…
Let the destiny know how strong some connections can be.
With each other we found peace…
Did we ever remember anything then?
When magic created b‘tween you and me…
And the souls were set free.

Some dreams never break

2010-10-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

...the muddy footmarks went till the bed room, hoping for rest and peace. Pulled the legs up on the bed and forced the body to lean against the raised back of the bed. Lips wanted to murmur…there was no one…the mind wanted to empty and lighten…the day behind had put loads on…but, there was no one…a burst of energy infused and up there I went to the window…there was no one in the lawn…the tremor of the floor lied, the epicenter wasn’t the land, it was my heart instead…Some memories live a legendary life. They don’t die.

I wish I was back and allowed to remain; the same love that watered my eyes…
I was given a chance again…
Destiny! Your impetus beat mine; but I’ll never let the love fade…
of those fair times divine…
The warmth and love everyday; as it is still around with me…
More real than I can say…
No breach, no break, no shatter, no pain; life knows its purpose ‘s to move…
Like a blissful dream remain…
No false words; no wows broken; the dreams and memories to treasure…
The rest of my life stays a token…

Because nature is perfect…

2010-08-16T00:42:00.001-07:00

And the shallow smile got easily eroded.

In the lonely gaps of two nights, I feel weak down the shin.
Where nature is perfect, tears will flow and smile will fade.

Who questions the color of water; it is ought to have been like it…

Many Happy Returns of The Day...!! A mid-night thought...

2010-06-09T01:00:00.001-07:00

It’s a happy birthday to me…

If my life gives meaning to someone…around or away
If my words sooth someone in literal plight
If my eyes say what my heart means
If my hand supports someone who relies on me
If my love breathes new life into some memories
If my walk has an inherited virtue
If my being means a high head to the one who got me into this world…

The 'No' in the 'Yes'

2010-04-13T03:56:00.000-07:00

Present is restless to take over; while the past is not yet off. The noisy recession in mind is filled. The marinated minds have reasons to comprehend it all. The softness and shatter of the heart has gone enough so far till the end that no sound disturbs, none penetrates.

Move on! Cry a night and wake up a judgment to move on; sulk a noon and drink in the night to surrender and move on yet again. Matters of the heart are just cocktail-party conversations.

Can I behave a human for a while? Can I un-wear the plastic shine of eyes?

I like crying when my heart feels heavy, can I?

2010

2010-01-03T09:49:00.000-08:00

In the era,
Where a fully automatic Food Processor purchase in the adjacent flat becomes a breaking news...telephonecasted in just within seconds...
‘Best of Luck’ is name sake; ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank You’ are corporate words ONLY,
‘I Miss you’ is momentary feeling of boredom, ‘I love you’ is fairy tale language,

‘Happy New Year’ is seldom a wish...
Courtesy our trendy lives!!

Nevertheless. From the honest bottom of my sometimes good heart; I wish you all an year as gorgeous as a Diva...

My shadow of water...

2009-11-30T07:46:00.000-08:00

My earl grey brew is still steaming in the cup...this morning has given me a thought...new again of the same old...sip!

My thoughts in you and your ways in me have left a legacy. The shadow of water covers me so thorough, that I live to love you.

I have chosen my ways...

fir ek baar...

2009-11-19T07:15:00.000-08:00

..abhi mere pyaar mein itni tadap nahi shayad

ki majboor teri taqdeer ko mere aage kar de.

..waqt aye to batayen mere liye kya ho tum

bas tab tak mera koi weham na tute.

..aansuyon ne filhal libas ode hain muskurahat ke

samne tere fir bhi gala ab bhi rundh jata hai.

..naseeb acha hai mera, saath tum aaj to ho

kasmein wadon ke liye shayad umra bahut choti ho meri.

..tanha to hum pehle bhi the, par itne nahi

kaash ye tasveeren bhi kuch baatein kaha suna kartin.

..saath ho tum aur nazdikiyan kabhi kam na hon

aankhen ye tumhe hi dekhen alfaz jab tak num na hon.

..chand ko thehra do zara raat fir chali na jaye

hawaon tum pehra do, tanhai mein koi na aye.

..ruk kar khud ko aaine mein dekhen zara,

jaane kis kabil hain hum, kuch hissa mila tere pyar ka.

..naseebon mein naseeb mera khuda ne kuch aisa banaya

ilzam le ke beithe the...zuban pe tera naam nahi aaya.

..kuch nahi bhoola hume, na waqt, na manzar, na aankhen, na baat

zara dekho ye kagaz bhi fir tujh tak pahunchna chahta hai.

I wanna sleep sound !

2009-10-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I will rest as I would...rest forever.
My eyes have seen some life, though,
I would still rest like never before.
Tonight, I will dream of you again...did I say ‘again’?

To you and to me...love spelled life,
I still understand love the same way...I know your meaning, too, hasn’t changed...

‘You’ will I name...if they seek answer to my wish...my last.

Can you read my silence??

2009-06-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

I turn the inside out of myself...
...Sitting to re-iterate and brain dump my thoughts somewhere...a stint to give my mind and eyes a sticky-note kind of reminder of what I want...
I am not unreasonable, nor adamant...
I am approximately correct in reaching a fact that I am craving...so much like all of us...
I will never follow trends in pursuit of happiness...
I am desire driven...
There are things which are not meant to be, but they are...
I am an unknown, unidentified follower of somebody...but I am not crowd...

I have continued to live ‘coz my dreams are someone’s treasure in my eyes!

If I get starry eyed with you, as I talk...I am drifted in those thoughts yet again...thoughts of love which was no false...the essence of life so much so that I look into the empty sky ...until far somewhere...and back through the window on the...couch and cushion with ‘my wine’ and ‘your beer...’

and no blink...
catch me smile...and no blink...

2009-03-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

Don’t frisk me; I am weaponless.

Just camouflaged for a while. I am same from inside.

If I stop at you, you’re probably remarkable; if I move on you've hurt me deep...

I don’t know why…

2009-03-03T08:38:00.000-08:00

...I got a diamond studded wrist watch the other day... ‘I got a gift!’

`long before I could convince myself…I fondled with the chain, the case, the dial…stared at the name of the watchmaker…and I kept quiet…

…for all the things he couldn't do for me; for all the things he will not do for me; for all the unintended disheartening words he ever said and for the love that would just go…that was the most ridiculous apology…

…for nothing can make up for it!

Sometime later...

2009-01-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

…after everything, I understood…it’s never enough

…beyond him, I discovered…new roads, converging back to him

…without love, I feel…like an undiscovered brook

…there is some truth; I confess...I don’t want to accept

…life, I take…has a purpose unknown

…those people, I chase…showed me love, once

…sometimes when, I talk…I don’t want to be heard

…to someone, I am…a lovely obsession

…somehow, I realized…everyone has their own meaning of love

Today, as I walk alone on the road…I mindlessly wander,
Is love just a convenience, after certain point?

2008-11-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

…night, cold sand…nothing in sound, sound of river…words, empty echo…clutched hands, fingers…raw fear, ageless… tear drop, wet lash… midnight, by watch…

love, in arms… feel, the breaths... your eyes, my life... halt, my travel… wish, on a broken star…

…my world, you!

my crying kid at home…

2008-10-16T06:52:00.000-07:00

feeling like a fish out of water! Ah, Ah…

‘letting go is love too, it is…!’. I made that hopefully intelligent remark, meant to be consoling and convincing. But the heart has its own reasons; beyond the meaning of this surface. It feels love when it is there; it still feels it when it’s nowhere around…I would‘d rather made him usual to denials.

…I go out and leave it at home now; lest he makes sentimental fantasies again…

To come back and say, "sorry...my heart, you're safer here".

And the thread missed the weave…

2008-08-25T00:57:00.000-07:00

…with his own thoughts he sat outside his own mind
behind him was a world of his people he wanted to be in
his heart held his hand and eloped with emotions
which tangled with someone else’s

…he looks into the mirror of blue water
basks in the love of love; frowns to the poke of his silly lover
and behind him he left the fabric of his home
the world especially will identify him of the same…so what if he missed the weave...so...what...!!

"...I am India"

2008-08-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

India is a feeling that we carry in our hearts…it is about the innocent eyes of those orphan kids, about the complaining faces of those natural calamity victims…about the dried tears of the families of the war martyrs…
India is a success that we boast of…it is about the victory on the cricket field, about the international gold win…about the craziness in the ‘High Fives’ of the team on a project’s success…
India is a dream that we fear to lose…it is about the uneasiness felt hearing of the infiltrators…about the pain that occurs when we fight in the name of communalism…about the young thought which is killed in the womb for no reasons…
It is about the feeling of ME in YOU and WE in INDIA…It is about the ultimate togetherness…It is about 'US'

…For the feeling, the pride, the dream…we'll conquer, we'll win...'Jai Hind !'

**The Fifteenth of August**embarkment upon a brighter road

...

2008-07-20T22:52:00.000-07:00

Often we feel the essence of it when it’s nowhere around. How I wish I never lose that ability to miss and my memory never goes off battery…ah!

He tells me love has no conditions…and he tells me this, days after I told him the same. He’ll keep note of those ‘nothings’ in our conversations to tell me them later…he asks me to read the testimonial I wrote for him months ago and asks me what’s wrong with me now…how have I stopped understanding his silent approaches and sweet gestures…I wish if he knows that I am not God…

…I haven’t had enough of him ever…I’d like to fight more, argue to the end, hate him and love him and then hate him and then love him more and more…I wanna hold him tight when I get scared in the night…I wanna jump from behind and interrupt his thought process when he is working his office reports…I wanna pester him to go out watching movie when he is at his lethargic best…and then wanna go bonkers deciding what he should wear to match what I have worn…I wanna hear people saying that we look cool together as we dance on the disco floor…I wanna steal the chance to miss him, sitting in the co-drivers’ seat when he is right next to me...I wanna hear him saying that we make a great couple when he sees both of us together in the mirror…

I think of him…and I miss him...I love him, again and again…

He will call me up from work…I ask him not to waste time talking…and he says ‘ok’ to hang up, how I wish that he stays and talks more…and he knows it that I want him to stay…

When I go to see him (just like that) in office; he will tell me…I am looking beautiful…even when he knew I am in my oldest night pyjamas…

He will talk of other gals and wait for me to do some jealous talking…he likes it when I dictate him saying that he should not go over friendly with any…he can hear me half crying, I know…

He will do some excessive stray driving in the odd hours to find me a cup of coffee…and will join me for it when I know he hates coffee like anything…

He got me a huge bunch of red roses on my birthday this time…ask him what it takes to go wandering looking for flowers which his gal will like…must have felt something real luvy duvy…or flowers, no wayyyyy…

He will ask the keeper to show us the dress Kareena is wearing in that poster, and starts smiling to glory fantasizing how pretty it will suit me…

Has to find a hideout in the office to talk to me on the phone…managers staring and guards suspecting…

He will secretly order some food from outside and wait for me to get all ready to cook whatever I know…and then give me a surprise when the delivery boy knocks…love his surprises…

Wants me to reply to his so-very-rare messages instantly…no matter I was driving or sleeping or doing whatever…

He will ask me to message him as I reach back home…my poor eye sight worries him I know…and he doubts my driving skills too…

Likes to be hanging on the phone…when we’ve talked about almost everything in world…I know he will wait for my call as we hang up…as I wait for his…

I like the way he messages me just ‘Good Morning’…

I love the time stealing gestures…he will pick me up for a drive to the fuel filling station when he knows there is no other better time to meet than spending those 25-30 min…

He makes me his alarm clock; nothing can wake him up from sleep so easily…and I set a reminder in the office outlook to call him on the right time…

…He drops indications of what he likes and what he doesn’t…he’s laid that unsaid love regulation for me…and

…I will follow…

love says ‘I will…’

Minus 1

2008-06-09T04:04:00.000-07:00

Aging did not look terrific on any other day than this…

…the mum phone would not ring even in the day hours normally, and the li’l dude started shrieking yester night...sharp at 12…with a smile, I said, ‘Thank you so much for calling’, call after call…the day remained easy at work, a pizza party and a fruit cake filled it with fun, all the more…who doesn’t like being treated special…everyone flashes smiles and pats on the back…or shakes hands, as if I won the BAFTA award, huh…but they say its my day...I basked in the glory like Cinderella, when I cut the cake…no music was ever so beautiful to ears than those bass singers’…now I blow out the candle flame and here they go…la la la la lala..la la la la lalaaaa..hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmm…

…the customary done!

Birthday candles don’t make me happy, neither does a cake…no celebration takes me rocking either…I thought may be a bouquet, or an expensive gift…for a while they do….but there is something so truly missing, I feel…it’ll rob me off the joy of being in here, year on year…

…why are few things so past correction?
Could be God did some mistake, sometime…Could be He wants to heal me...Could be…

If at all I may ask, and if my friends believe in the power of prayers…pray for me that my memories never fade and the time doesn’t teach me to stop missing…

I look up…into the mirror…and the one in there said, ‘Happy birthday’…

I heard…’Damn it, you’re growing fonder to God too…’

I’ll smile for u, heart !

2008-05-17T05:02:00.000-07:00

I always thought I write well, at least I can write what’s in mind…foolish!
There’s so much in and around, I write to feel light and be off to another venture…I can’t move ‘coz I can’t write...I know I need to...

Far at the horizon as I raise my eyes…I see myself, staring back at myself…did I dig a hole in the ground and through it came out on the other side of the world, in South America…?? Or have I closed an eye and half the world has readily disappeared from sight…not bad a thought to occur once in a while, what say…you freebies…

…I enjoyed the flight of fantasy!

Call me not a dreamer…and hinder not my way to a holiday trip…I am re-coupling with my fiber of emotion and intellect…

I WANNA SWAY IN THE AIR…a kid told me he sees me smile…but the bigger-brains rope me down…CLIP CLIP CLUTCH…

punctuating on ripples...for the tides ahead...

2008-04-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

Well…ages into my self-deployed world now…

I take along my mind, my thoughts, my conscience - the God, to places I go…
giving me appeasing fellowship…they remove undesired human clutter…when at mental bargain with my God…I at times tell him that I will DO something IF some wish of mine is fulfilled…very next moment I withdraw…I mustn’t have liked some game rule, anyway…

I listen to my mind and talk to the heart…roam with my desire and come back to peace…

I feel loved and I love that feeling…I am someone’s unique creation on earth; I keep myself to me…lest the culture spoils me…

Did I still hear you saying, that I need anybody…??

...unfolding petals - TAGGED !!

2008-03-20T04:28:00.000-07:00

After a long interrogation with mind, I finally discover few to quote random things about
myself…never stressed my little brain so much, but a buddy blogger (Gonecase:http://johanybravo.blogspot.com/) tagged me, huh!!
What I had to do in the tag...had to jot down 7 random things about myself! And then tag 7 people too!! Here we go, GC...
______

While I drive not really bad; I hate shifting the gears to 2nd, wish I could omit that sequence and move to the 3rd, 4th and 5th, always. No idea why…may be that I don’t like the thought of driving so slow…

I am passionate about SPEED; formula1 thus being my favorite sport…

I am BAD at remembering NAMES and reasonably GOOD at remembering FACES…citing incident: I almost banged the phone when someone called up for my sister, and didn’t ask for her by her affectionate name.

I am crazy for visiting WATER PLACES…so much so, that my friends would annoy me by showing me a dirty drain of water, calling it a water body…

I am SUPERSTITIOUS at my choice of time and my hour of ease…

I am very fond of coffee; a nice Irish coffee does wonders at any point in time. My blood type is coffee now, if tested!!

I enjoy silence; it gives me time to contemplate and decide and observe and infer…eventually, people find me smiling to glory when I am not with words…
______

That’s a little about me…
Can I please break the rule and tag nobody? Sorry GC, you can get even with me sometime later :)

But, I really enjoyed doing the TAG…

Too much into nothing...

2008-02-28T11:15:00.000-08:00

Doing the reverse round, probably of the fact that can’t convince that windy mind…and the heart…the sluice gates lay open, the barrage of thoughts sees no red caution. I held that strong root tight and hard, to help my being anchored in the big sink.

But what…!!

my agitated being has stood tough for long now, gone apart…and I let it!
Audience all ears, please…

The eventuality of all action is ultimate bizarre, for I hold up to my neck the real desires of my heart. Buy me something that has no value to anyone else but me…I don’t seem to be able to get off those inessential, as per say, activities from the rut of life…I get to be doing them all the time, again and again and again…

Fade my destiny to give me a day of my choice…bother to reckon if I am that demanding for you to fulfill what I wish, God…or is your purpose perfect for all down here…??

Any which way, I will try and find solace in distress…

You’ve got your purpose defined, so do I…!!

Imperia...!

2008-01-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

Will I ever be able to witness that again?

Mind in extreme charm and emotions on a high...PHENOMENAL!

The silence in that picturesque vastness shrugged my shallow turning heart. My mind wanted to speak…and it did!
I am on my way to some place; the trip 's called ‘Life’…isn’t bad. Gives me legendary experience that I can share with pleasure, anytime...

But, there…something beckoned, ‘twas there in that place, as we drove past I regained something…something which I’d lost in me…something face-lifted the life in me that I lost untimely, sometime ago…

…the vast open taught me breath again, effortlessly…live again, heartily…

The emptiness filled me, for I am back, up close…

Did the soil of the land have some power? Or was it the way I looked at it, a self-realization…regained??

“Whatever…”

My life again…another episode!

2007-12-20T11:12:00.000-08:00

I get the duffel done and get going…don’t know where!
Else…few years from now we’ll be two homeless people…fending for money, the livelihood…

I shall bear the pain of parting ways ostensibly…In economic language of life; it’s an investment to the next step of life’s comfort…
when I will have questions of life…I don’t wanna stand alone then…like a loner as I am right now…I’ll need you then…

I’m grateful that I can see my dream and walk on the path to it…I just realized, I haven’t lost the ability to laugh…how nerdy of me, I smile effortlessly, I can…
I know you’ve been that strength…you mean my world to me…

Come I’ll show you my dream...
………..
………
…….
……
…..
….
…
..
I’ll tell my kids…” ’twas a threateningly loaded world, heart…all’s well now”…I’ll kiss them to bed and lullaby them to sleep…we’ll see them.

Framed Smile...

2007-11-28T07:38:00.000-08:00

Clicking to glory…like this and that, ‘eh posing hmm not bad…

I like the way you smile in here, this one could have been better, had you given that chuckle of yours some shut, anyway…your smile does wonders to this one…

Hang on…wanna capture this too, hon. Look at you…happy you look, as if heaven’s been granted…I tell myself...

And I ask my life all the time…,”Do you mind as I capture moments I look happy in and feel nicer than never…holding the camera I go on and on…?”
Simpering she says, she likes it too…she likes it when I sit with my album which I freshen up every time with pictures, weaving memories...looking back in time I see no grins and tears, but smiles and laughter…so I shall make more, more albums…more stills, I skip sadness this way…

I WILL NEVER CLICK YOU, TEAR…NO ONE DOES…

When I return to life sometime…
I’d like the stills…one happy snapshot to next, and then next…next…walking past glooms…I’d smile to myself…

...a lot like life!

2007-11-05T04:55:00.000-08:00

I hurried to office as I realized that its already time…the authorities don’t really panic but unlucky days are equally bright, so I’d prefer hurrying...huh!
I remembered there was to be a meeting that day, important it was as professed by the boss, which meeting isn’t? Anyway…’twas a freaking Thursday; how I wish I could wear a casual tee paired with denim, alas!
I stepped out of the car and stood bang against my friend at work as I reached office, could be someone authentically waited for me to be there, could be those were my happy thoughts…inference: That was just a coincidence. She was up for some party after work, wanted me to join in...Right after work, oh hell! But socializing is important too, I heard my boss saying that one day…My outlook calendar looked busy for me that day…phew! Done with all at late in the evening, got back home…got ready and tried to look fresh and energetic. How would that be if parties could actually relax you?

…I asked my mind to shut up and drove a couple of miles…the car needed a service too, I always mind getting that delayed…I dreamt of going for long drives on serene roads, tuned to some favorite numbers, with that special person…prior to buying my car. And now I only go for short drives to office, to bank, to veg. mart…hmm. Time ties…

So much like life... family, position, money, friends, parties, recognitions…and a dream for more…isn’t it?
I feel tied to life on its own terms; I buy into all kind of its ‘Yeses’ and ‘Noes’. When my dream fails I get going for a momentary exile realizing thereafter am I quitting, backing off?…noooo. I stand up again, give some first aid to my broken heart and dreams; I assure my all time true conscience…I get going...again and again…dreams and attainment…dreams and attainment...DREams ATTainment…DREA….ATT…I echo…

Orphan Dream !!

2007-10-04T05:33:00.000-07:00

Orphan dream – Why I always land up convincing myself reiterating each time in my mind…it'll be fine and it'll be mine...my share of happiness?

I dared to see a dream, dreamt of living it…I am tamed by fear, fear of life without it...did all bit to fulfill it, and it doesn't seem to be…

And I refuse to own it; the helpless and wanting eyes drag me into hell. I can’t think, can’t talk, can’t sleep…can’t live!

I can't nourish my very own dream…I can’t!
So it lay orphan!

One punch by fate laid me low…

I NEEDED THE SUNSHINE OF YOUR HEAVENLY EYES, AFTER THE DAY’S GREAT SUN...

Caught napping...Tagged 'Me'...!!

2007-09-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

Funny fact is…the thing I dread the most happens to me first…NEVER wanted to be tagged, nyway, Rajeev got me trapped :(

**To give you all the idea of how it goes...

Here are the rules:

* Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

* When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.

* At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.

* Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged.

I don’t have a middle name, and even after using my li’l brain hard couldn't think of one which I’d ever like to have…so going the way around, I choose a name which I’d like to keep if given the rights of baptizing myself…

SANJANA in that case…

S – Don’t really believe in idol worship, with due respect to all who b’lve in it.
Me a die hard believer in Shirdi Sai…Strength is what it means to me.

A – People say what’s in the name…I say, everything…
My life revolves around the person whose name starts with this letter...

N – This would be the first time I’d disclose my nick name…but since I am tagged I will...
My nick name is NANU…very few people call me by that name…and I like it.

J - June, my month of birth…so makes me a Gemini...
Living up to the perception of the sign; I show some traits not all…like brains turn me on, I like people who talk and make sense, etc.

…Have stated the first and the most important thing which relates to the letters above; have left the repeated ones…clever me!

And here comes the exciting chance to bother people…

I tag:

S – SAM
A – Ashu, Annie
N – Nisha
J – J

Keep rocking !

I go the adulterated way…

2007-09-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

10:00 pm...Relief after the hectic day at work, worth the wait was a well maintained and an almost crowd less cab.

My day wasn’t very smooth, not really ‘coz of work but the mess around. Precisely, my boss #@^%$%... and because he can’t be good, people around can’t be good too, hope u know why…

I get to catch the bad bugs first…infectious they are!!
So I carefully pick things which benefit me first and rest later…at work, home everywhere…

All this while I didn’t notice there was someone sitting in the co-driver’s seat…noticed him as he asked which block of the locality I stay in…he asked the driver to let me off first and then him, I didn’t like the idea…don’t know why…

I’m not in a habit of seeing people doing good these days…no matter how trivial. I stared at his facial expressions; they weren’t meant for me…wasn’t even looking at me. But I read there was generosity …a gentleman would let the lady off first, SAFELY…and he was doing that…but nooooo
Since I’m not good to anybody anymore, how could I see someone else be good…hits me HARD

It gave me a sense of defeat. I wanted him to act mean and selfish, which is what I am used to…so that I reach home and insult him virtually on his selfish act…this is what we do, right…?

Not really used to it…anymore…

BEATEN UP AND MOULDED by the ways of life!

Half way to heaven

2007-08-24T08:37:00.000-07:00

I shall never crucify myself between regret of the past and fear of the future…My take…

On Myself - When I go the rightdoing or the wrongdoing way…there comes a patch of barren land…I’ll meet you there…there where I stand fearless, and I can talk to my hearts content.

On Family - My mother once asked me to leave the first morsel of my bread every time I have my meal…now what on earth makes her happy, I can’t even imagine…so I surrendered and I was talked about as a dutiful daughter in family sync ups…

On Society - I look at those nagging stray kids when they stop by my car and knock every now and often on the FULLY pulled up window…all they want is a little attention or no attention at all just a hand outta that window and alms…if I were to be the harbinger of the news of their death on those raving streets, I’d rather choose to be deaf and silent all my life. A penny on their palm for a lavish smile on those faces is all that’s needed and I’d be looked upon as the best car owner in that red light halt…and then I’m limitlessly blessed. So there I drop the alms…

On Love - A phone call wakes me up each morning…a reason memorable enough to keep me going all day, enough to keep me waiting for the next day, for the same moment, to be waken up by the same sweet voice, with the same words…

I kneel down to pray now…
I please all to please God; they say that’s the right way!

Rendezvous

2007-08-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

Life - Ok chill...tell me what you want?

Me - You know it pretty much…

Life - I know…huh?
The last time, remember you said…

…ok forget it…you’re never pleased, no matter what you get out of me. And stop calling me names, ok? You’ve called me filthiest of words you could think of.

Me - Now listen, I don’t have junk time. Let’s talk business; I’ll be outright.
Why you give me all reconciled happiness, all corporate crap, every metropolitan
excuse…and you expect me to be thankful ? I don’t want the second best every time…

I have complaint; I know ‘m being demanding but that’s how I feel, befits the
explanation of my plight…do you realize?? no smirk you

Life - My smile gives you that feeling of smirk; my approval gets you throw tantrums;
my blessing is taken for granted and then you call these kinda meetings...

Me - Never mind, will sit down some other time; you have no potential to answer my questions I feel; it doesn’t seem to go anywhere…

Life - It never will…gotta change your outlook of life, hon…matters ain’t so servile…

Me - I shall take your leave now. I know what to do. Thanks for sparing time…will see you if need be…

Life (monologue) - Poor you! You never know when I give you the ultimatum…the final word.

Meet the deadlines for your dreams soon…I'll be helpless then
Time’s running !!

2007-07-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

har baat tumse milne ka bahana ho jaise,
ankaha sa kuch nibhana ho jaise,
tamannayen to hum bata bhi na payen shayad,
paas ho ke bhi tumse na mil pana ho jaise…

sir jhuka kar aapki berukhi bhi kubul hai,
kuch hai jo hume na gawana ho jaise...

God must be crazy…

2007-07-21T23:29:00.000-07:00

He put us here and gave us freedom of everything. Then he thought of evolution of association; he kindled want of affection..we started bumping into each other, made friends…
Now we had a heart beating and a mind thinking..every minute each hour; we became sensitive to things. Felt bad when hurt, felt loved, pampered…then He thought a ‘Sorry’ should set things right, eventually it did…an ‘I love you’ would make matches, I doubt if it actually did...‘Thank you’ was so mechanical..as if it ought to have been like that..

He had a ‘not too novice not too advanced’ approach towards life on earth..and we made a discreet program out of it..structured and logical..

Nothing comes from the heart its the mind..working 24*7…tick tick tick !
What to achieve next, whom to say that habitual sorry to, ‘coz that works…the mind is so clever, it overpowers the heart…

I am no better after all me too a part of this programmed world…I can sit and sulk and crib and cry and get back to obey the official orders...Boss’s waiting, work beckons..

Something is so miserably wrong with life…!

Sorry God…

make-believe !

2007-07-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

These who've gathered around here deal in false facade..for they know damn about how I feel…

that girl in pink flaunting gala envied me until last spring..she wanted my kinda happiness, I know…

and that creepy fellow now frowning remarked each time I'd be happy with life…and look at them now...mere actors they are, good at shedding tears…
…none like them can ever touch upon the texture of my feelings; they're neither friends nor foes…no competitor or accomplice…they are my nothing…they can’t be
they've come here to see the wreckage of my heart…

dhuan hai wahan bhi jahan aag kabhi lagi thi,

paani bhi zamane ne bade hisab se daala…

Sometimes I feel how hollow the minds and the hearts are, you can’t really tell a friend from a foe…’t least I can’t !!

*******

♪ This note is solely for my blogger buddies and the guest visitors who feel that either I am badly heart broken could be depressed or sad or discontented with life which reflects in my writing..it isn’t so friends...

its the appeal from my eyes and reflexes through the hand with heart and mind in coordination that I write…

Otherwise the world to me is still very beautiful and the entire human race my friend…as an independent individual I am happy-go-lucky in pursuit of happiness ♪

- pardon please :)

Gone so far.....

2007-07-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

Half of the things people want to know is none of their business..talk about Padma-Rushdie disconnection; what the hell people gotto do with why it happened now not before…wrong dimensionality, I call it…
How would daily journals run business then, right ?? So lemme say all’s well…
Wrapping it with a posh glace outlook, they say its requisite to be well read and generally aware of the surround..huh !

I go to buy provisions for the house almost daily; the keeper wouldn’t lift an eyelid to the ones not caring to pay by credit card, a gold credit card…superficiality has engulfed, must say!!

Forgetting the times when they cycled 12 km for college no where known in the town..and today they behave high-and-mighty in front of the deprived…I think they are living dead…

I am not usually so irritated but I get baffled every so often...and I call it QUITS

"rondh kar insaniyat is mukam tak tu aaya hai,
jane kitno se rishta toda jane kitno se banaya hai...
nazar utha ke dekh ab us aankh se kisi ko,
jisse ansun kabhi apni hi bechariyat par bahaya hai.."

..and I waited to hear the sob

2007-07-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

..she clinged to my leg as I doored out of the infirmary..

Had a smile on her face, smile of faith and belief..self-belief, her prayers weren’t barren..she thought…
My affirmative dialogue with the doctor gave her ample reasons to assume that I am the savior……ill-fated innocent!

How I wish I could really be the savior, the angel she waited for…the smile that she gave me, the twinkle in the eye, the spark to see her ‘daddy dear’ talk to her again…how I wish…….tongue-tied !! And I returned with no victory over her loss…my blood had gone void in his veins…and no life still??

“I have no answers to your questions, sweetheart”

My heart almost sank when I gathered courage to even imagine this little girl see her father no more…and she thought god listens to all prayers, ah !

Enough of waiting she’d had and then she broke inside the room…and I…

And I waited to hear the sob…

“Talk to me, Mirror”

2007-07-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

..my mirror doesn’t talk to me, I’ve been standing here...

Every night it smiles to me and kisses me to bed.

“Mirror, talk to me, please..I still look as pretty as I was. Tell me that again..
You think I did it wrong, nooooo…its love…trust me…now please look at me..please..
Tell me how that dress suits me and be my partner in my moods..

You’ll make me go insane or I choose to be mum forever, say something now..

Now look at me in my eyes and speak to me, give me those beautiful looks, today again..do that till the time I need...please, please……please…”

Don’t misjudge me, my conscience!!

curled around you..

2007-06-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t sure about where we going. He didn’t know me and I didn’t want to know him for sure..I was so badly occupied with my eventful life..

But we met..and talked..and felt each other; a wave ran through my spine which had frozen to ice by then...I liked leaning against his warm chest, really did..MELTED..
He kissed me on my forehead and then again..could be he liked it, could be he knew I did..he wanted me to hold him and take rest on his shoulder..how on earth did he know that I needed that ?? Rest in his arms..eternal !
The breeze liked it too, I know..she kept dancing in swirls around..

We sat together, legs dipped in water..life started singing...but I was missing…elsewhere was I ??
Yes, ther...rrre I was battling fear of losing him..wanted time to stop right there..like Hey you..pause NOW..

Simple in being yet so magnificent he was..I discovered..
And then so blissfully he completed me, he knew the skill, I say…wanted him for ‘forever’, like that…damn wishes, ah!

A concealed delicate thread ties us both together till now.
I talk about everything with him…my fear and threats, insecurities and love…
And all he says is, ‘Hold me like that, again!’..I do
..And I fall in love with him all over again as we walk like a prince and a princess on the nature’s ramp…

My heart begged a chance of loving again, and I granted…

I choose my fate..!!

Tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi ♫

2007-06-25T04:22:00.000-07:00

...and then he entered the alley, making his presence felt just to me. Strict physique and mindful semblance..couldn't take my eyes off him. Ask me and I can give a plush description of his unornamented being.

I would rather opt to sit and enjoy by my self most of the times, but this someone made a connection with me..with me, ah..without my consent and not even a single eye contact. It wasn’t love, no..not at all..but I was so readily floored. And I concluded that we can be great companions, could be I saw a reflection of my own, could be that I felt he is someone I can hold intelligent conversation with..can laugh with..my preacher..my guide..my MASTER..someone I would listen to…

Happens with me often, with abstract feelings, with living being, with immovable things, with places…there is some connection, mine with them…I am unaware!

But I like the connection…

Happened ever…with you ??

folds of a bed sheet...

2007-06-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

Walking hand in hand in breezy nights on wet terrace floor, whispering closely,
brushing against each other and smiling away to glory…love ??

Ummm…yes!

Waking up early morning to surprise her with the fondest bunch of flowers,
having the morning tea together, chit chatting and planning who picks the other for the evening cup of coffee…love ??

Perhaps !

Squeezing time out of the busy office rut to buy her favorite brand season’s collection business wear,
thinking of lines to write on the card bought along…love ??

Maa…ybe !

Just being around her, and not being present, shoving away ‘coz you thinking something or about someone else,
being with her without wanting to be with her…love ??

Na…aaaa !

Love for a woman is much beyond the folds of a bed sheet. Her world revolves around you and you have kept her just by your side…
Is it that men start things well and leave the maintenance part to her? Or once they’ve gotten what they want it’s just a relationship…

what do I call it...then ??

Promise land

2007-06-15T05:18:00.000-07:00

Once I was deeply in love, yes ‘once’ and then I was intentionally, badly, brutally betrayed..left with a shattered belief, love fades. Prior to the woe I had my own whims and fancies of moon light dances and beach side walks, of sweet nothings and smiles in talks...but my lovely blue sky turned cobalt scary once and for all, at least I thought so..

Life decides to make you believe in things that you adamantly refuse to acknowledge. My life did the same to me..I have the memory of this story from the days when my beautiful idea of love had just slipped through the crack. And my heart was blank but blotted. There was this couple so much deeply and madly in love that in presence of each other around everything else turned blurred.

Too sweet to believe but ‘twas true…
Let me give them names for the purpose of story telling. The boy baptized Vincent, the country boy and the girl Sarra, so much to their names. He met her on a dull autumn day; she was so pretty and quiet. But that really didn’t matter to him then. He kept destroying the gladiolus plantation much to the agony of Sarra. A girl who so divinely entered his life, that he himself was clueless about the timing. With no abstraction of love or the idea for that matter he followed his heart. There was no bona fide conversation between the two but there lived something very pure and deep. He had a hint that Sarra loved flowers and didn’t like anybody destroying them. Everyday she would softly walk up to the farm and admire the growing beauty. And ever since lives the Gladiolus farm, maintained and unshaken. They say the country boy takes care of the flowers, unconditionally. It’s been years that nobody has seen the girl. But he still sees her walking past and standing still, his eyes...he would still wake up right before she comes to see the flowers…he would still feel his love growing in the petals of the flowers of the gardens of the hills. It’s named after the girl and the country boy guards it against the savage world...that is the purpose of his life, loudly announced, I heard…

It’s so dramatically etched in my mind that it has charmingly made me believe that love is deathless, AGAIN!

I am all ears to hear it is...what say??

As I think of you.....

2007-06-13T10:04:00.001-07:00

As I sit alone thinking about you
Your silent eyes and silent lips
speaking volumes about just nothing….

How lovely were those days when I took you in my arms, forgetting everything around…

I wonder how defined your existence in my life is….
A dream, a fairy tale, can't stop a smile on my face.
Now there rolls a tear down the cheek.. how much I miss you and how much I long to meet..
Never thought a wait could be so long, longer than the spaces between…..

Never will I be able to put it in words, may be words alone, so I am singing a song, with words dipped in love….

Can you hear the sound of love?
Can you see the blue sky above?
Do you miss me when I am away?
Do you want me to stay?

The breeze gave me your message and took mine too
It touched my cheek when I was thinking of you…

Last time when I first lived

2007-06-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

...Again he pampered me and made me smile
again he kissed me and hugged me for a while....
He came into my life with no intimation,
and flooded my thoughts with happy fascination.
thinkin' about love in our own miraculous ways
just being together in Aprils' and Mays'.
And......... then the day came when he had to go
leaving me behind and my spirits low.
He hugged me again with a tight hold
and kept me close till no tears rolled.
I could see truth in his sparklin' eyes
a moment witnessed by the god's of the skies
We lived our lives in those few moments gone
a moment for which I would die to be reborn

....that was the last time when
I lived for the first time.....

We separated then in hope to meet again
with hope in eyes and heart filled with pain.
There was a hope to be together again
walking hand in hand in sun, breeze or rain....
never to part again.......
never to part again......